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My personal favourites are Penis Related....Just sharing, they're funny to me.
Anyway, please enjoy.


*C-Sec labels anyone attacking Garrus Vakarian as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
*Garrus Vakarian just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Omega's infrastructure.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
*Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1GVHs (Garrus Vakarian Headshot)
*Garrus Vakarian does not sleep. He waits.
*Garrus Vakarian counted to infinity - twice.
*If you can see Garrus Vakarian, he can see you. If you can't see Garrus Vakarian you may be only seconds away from death.
*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Garrus Vakarian.
*In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Garrus Vakarian, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
*Garrus Vakarian is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his sniper and assault rifles.
*If you have five credits and Garrus has five credits, Garrus has more money than you.
*When Garrus had surgery to cure a gunship wound to the face, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
*Once a varren threatened to eat Garrus Vakarain. Garrus showed the varren his fist and the varren proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
*If Garrus is late, time better slow the f--k down.
*The only reason the Reapers are called the Reapers is because "Garrus Vakarian" was already taken.
*Garrus Vakarian frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
*God offered Garrus Vakarian the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined in favor of ridiculous headshot accuracy.
*Garrus Vakarian played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
*Garrus Vakarian sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
*Garrus Vakarian destroyed the periodic table, because Garrus Vakarian only recognizes the element of surprise.
*Garrus Vakarian was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
*There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of species that Garrus Vakarian allows to live.
*Garrus Vakarian once shot down a dreadnought class warship with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
*You can't search for Garrus Vakarian on the extranet because it knows you don't find Garrus Vakarian, he finds you.
*Garrus Vakarian's bullets are so precise, they can fly around the planet and hit Garrus himself in the back of the head.
*On Tuchanka, Garrus got twenty-four mating requests. There were also seven for his sniper rifle.
*Mouse didn't wet his pants at the sight of Thane. He saw Garrus first.
*Garrus Vakarian once kicked a baby krogan into puberty.
*When you open a can of whup-ass, Garrus Vakarian pops out.
*Garrus knows what Tali's face looks like.
*The reapers aren't stuck in dark space. They are waiting for Garrus to die before trying to invade his galaxy.
*Garrus Vakarian can impregnate women through headbumps alone.
*The keepers weren't bred to take care of the Citadel, they were bred to keep an eye on Garrus Vakarian. They failed.
*Garrus once tried to use an L2 implant, but the implant couldn't handle Garrus Vakarian and it had to be taken out.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need biotics; he just has to glance at things and they run away screaming.
*Garrus chose to get hit by that gunship. He was tired of looking so damn good.
*They named the bridge he held on Omega after Garrus once he left. They had to rename it later unfortunately, because no one crosses Garrus Vakarian and lives.
*Before going after humans, the Collectors tried to take Garrus, but he couldn't be bothered. He was in the middle of some calibrations.
*Kinetic barriers aren't for keeping weapons out, they're for keeping Garrus Vakarian in.
*Garrus Vakarian is so tough that when he goes mountain climbing, he isn't pulling himself up, he's pulling the mountains down.
*When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Garrus Vakarian.
*Most people fear the Reapers. Garrus Vakarian considers them "promising rookies".
*Garrus Vakarian headshots don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
*Sovereign's first choice for an organic envoy wasn't Saren, it was Garrus Vakarian; he had to stay away from Garrus Vakarian for fear of being indoctrinated.
*Armistan Banes disappeared from the Mass Effect plotline because when he heard Garrus Vakarian was protecting Dr. Michel, he broke the fourth wall and got the heck out of there.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need a Lazarus Project; death is too afraid of him to try anything.
*There was no Conduit; Garrus Vakarian was just beaming his brilliant deductions straight into Shepard's brain.
*Garrus Vakarian's eyepiece doesn't really do anything; he just covers one of them out of fairness to everyone else.
*Cerberus didn't resurrect Shepard so he could save them from the Reapers. Cerberus resurrected Shepard so he could save them from Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space!
*Garrus Vakarian burns through the shields of Haestrom's sun.
*Some think Palaven is hot. Palaven thinks Garrus Vakarian is hot.
*The krogan genophage doesn't actually do anything, it's just that the krogan have given up surviving knowing that Garrus Vakarian is out there waiting for them.
*The First Contact War started because baby Garrus Vakarian misplaced his rattle, and the entire turian fleet went on a rampage to find it. Facing him without it was the alternative.
*Garrus Vakarian didn't join the Spectres because you can't break all the rules if your job doesn't have any.
*Garrus Vakarian didn't fight the law. He shot it in the back of the head and then went back to business.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't step on toes. Garrus Vakarian steps on necks.
*The last thing you hear before a Garrus Vakarian headshot? No one knows, because dead men tell no tales.
*The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst laid plans of Garrus Vakarian go off without a hitch.
*Garrus Vakarian built a better mousetrap. Most people simply can't calibrate it correctly.
*Garrus Vakarian keeps his friends close and his enemies in scope.
*Once you go Garrus, you are physically unable to go back.
*Garrus Vakarian's tears cure Kepral's Syndrome. It's too bad Garrus Vakarian has never cried.
*Executor Pallin died from Garrus Vakarian giving him the finger.
*Garrus Vakarian always has sex on the first date. Always.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't eat. Rather, he kicks ass until he's full.
*After much debate, the Council decided to unleash the genophage on the Krogan rather than the alternative of sending Garrus Vakarian. It was deemed more "humane."
*Garrus Vakarian once walked down a street shirtless. There were no survivors.
*Prothean experts working outside Council jurisdiction have recently conceded that, were the Reapers to exterminate life in the Galaxy, all that would remain are Vorcha and Garrus Vakarian.
*Saying "Garrus Vakarian" three time makes your head explode from pure awesome.
*When Turians want honor they pray to the spirits. When they want anything else they pray to Garrus.
*Garrus knows he's in a game; he just pretends not to know.
*Garrus is so strong he can bend time and space.
*Garrus once punched a Merc so hard that his great grandkids said ouch.
*If garrus was to sneeze, the planet he is on would explode.
*Garrus Vakarian calibrated the Omega-4 Relay.
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Garrus Vakarian could use to kill you, including the room itself.
*Garrus Vakarian has two speeds: walk and kill.
*Why don't you see any female Turians in Mass Effect? They're all waiting for Garrus Vakarian to call them back.
*Garrus Vakarian can pleasure krogan women simply by showing them his scars.
*Why do krogan have 4 testicles? So they'd feel slightly less inferior to Garrus Vakarian
*Some call the coming of the Reapers an "apocalypse." Garrus Vakarian calls it "practice."
*Garrus Vakarian had all his internal organs removed because they were "just slowing him down."
*Garrus Vakarian once ate five entire pots of Sergeant Gardner's calamari gumbo in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with Crewman Goldstein.
*Garrus Vakarian once sniped a man so hard, his body went back in time and hit the ground five minutes earlier.
*Garrus Vakarian can calibrate a gun so well, it needs a cigarette afterward.
*Saren only killed himself so he'd be spared the wrath of Garrus Vakarian
*Garrus Vakarian was actually on the ground when the Virmire nuke went off. He later complained things felt too drafty.
*Garrus Vakarian's favorite store on the Citadel, is himself. He dishes out pain at unbelievable prices.
*Death came to see Garrus after the rocket incident and said his time had come. Garrus looked at Death and said, "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
*Blind people aren't blind, they just scared of making eye contact with Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian can perform calibrations, while in the middle of some calibrations.
*70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Garrus Vakarian's weight is his malehood.
*Khalisah Al-Jilani was actually thankful it was Shepherd who punched her. If it had been Garrus Vakarian, she'd be dead.
*Harbinger thought about making a turian Reaper instead of a human one, but then remembered there was already Garrus Vakarian.
*When Saren learned Commander Shepherd was after him, he scoffed. When he learned Garrus Vakarian was with him, he sat in the corner of his shower and cried for 3 hours.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't care. Even if it was a one armed man who killed your wife and not you.
*The Citadel once had six arms instead of five. Then there was a little incident involving Garrus Vakarian...
*They say you can't make something out of nothing. Garrus Vakarian can make EVERYTHING out of nothing.
*Tali later discovered Haestrom's sun was getting so hot because it saw Garrus Vakarian without a shirt on.
*A man once claimed Garrus Vakarian attempted to headshot him, but it was promptly dismissed as false - Garrus Vakarian never misses.
*Garrus Vakarian is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
*Kids piss their name in snow. Garrus Vakarian pisses his name in concrete.
*Garrus Vakarian visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just "the islands"
*Garrus Vakarian's calender goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian once won "Connect 4" in 3 moves.
*Garrus Vakarian can delete the recycling bin.
*Garrus Vakarian can slam revolving doors.
*Garrus Vakarian doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the info he wants.
*Death once had "a near Garrus Vakarian experience"
*Babies cry because they know they just entered a world with Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booyah".
*Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Garrus Vakarian.
*Morinth once had a mind-meld with Garrus Vakarian. She complained he never called her back.
*Garrus Vakarian sleeps with Commander Shepard.
*Garrus Vakarian cannot feel pain. He can only inflict it.
*Garrus Vakarian does not hunt because the word "hunting" implies the probability of failure. Garrus Vakarian goes killing.
*After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Garrus Vakarian that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said, "Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
*There is no 'Ctrl' button on Garrus Vakarian's computer. Garrus Vakarian is always in control.
*Garrus Vakarian actually was a love interest in Mass Effect 1. He just rocked your world so hard, you can't remember.
*Garrus Vakarian can make you orgasm... WITH HIS MIND.
  • Mood: Big Grin
  • Listening to: Break Your Heart by Anders and the Unromancables
  • Reading: The KinkMemes
  • Playing: Skyrim-Hearthfire&Dawnguard
  • Eating: Air
  • Drinking: Spit
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkuwashiifangirl:
Kuwashiifangirl Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is from the Garrus Vakarian list on FanFiction. Which, by the way, is hilarious.
Reply
:iconmillefeu:
millefeu Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I didn't even know I needed this, but dear God, I do.
Reply
:iconazulenearoma:
AzuleneAroma Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Professional General Artist
Booyah!
Reply
:icongreenyoda123:
greenyoda123 Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
Oh my god. I'm in tears. The Periodic Table one... I'm literally in tears I'm laughing so hard! I LOVE this!!!!!
Reply
:iconlilyalisandra:
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well I have plenty of Garrus stories on my page if you want to check those out.

Some are comedy, too. cx

I welcome new watchers with open arms. :D
Reply
:icongreenyoda123:
greenyoda123 Featured By Owner May 7, 2013
I will definitely check those out!! I'm always on the look out for Garrus stories!! :)
Reply
:iconclockworkheart42:
ClockworkHeart42 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
Forget a fully-loaded gun. Garrus Vakarian played Russian Roulette with a loaded rocket launcher and won!
Reply
:icondblood42:
dblood42 Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
Awesome!
Reply
:icondoornik1142:
Doornik1142 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012
I thought of some more:

* Garrus Vakarian adds ground glass to his food. For the flavor.

* Garrus Vakarian is forbidden from participating in the annual Citadel fireworks display, after his last contribution destroyed a Turian dreadnought.

* Garrus Vakarian discovered a 100% effective cure for cancer. He just walks into the room and those rogue cells start behaving.

* There are 206 bones in the human body. Garrus Vakarian knows how to break all of them. Even the little bones in the ears. Especially the little bones in the ears.

* Garrus Vakarian likes to knit sweaters in his spare time. And by knit I mean kick. And by sweaters I mean Thresher Maws.

* They say Garrus Vakarian had asthma as a child. Then he kicked asthma's ass, ate its raw flesh, and ran 200 miles off the energy it gave him.
Reply
:iconrufullus:
Rufullus Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012  Student General Artist
LOL You must have a very incredible fantasy for writting something like this xD
Reply
:iconlilyalisandra:
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, I didn't write it. I found it while researching for a story of mine. I thought it was funny and decided to share it with my readers. Then I started getting requests to put it in groups and whatnot.
Reply
:iconfiran25:
Firan25 Featured By Owner May 27, 2013
SOme of these sound like Chuck norris facts but with mass effect thrown in the mix. Regardless they are still funny :3
Reply
:iconursulacousland:
UrsulaCousland Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012
Ooh, this one has a few I hadn't seen before. :)
Reply
:iconarhunter:
ARHunter Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
Loooooooove this!!!!!!!!! :)
Reply
:iconmudslingerartist:
MudslingerArtist Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012   Digital Artist
LMAO!
Reply
:icondoornik1142:
Doornik1142 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
* Ever wonder why so many young men die in their prime? Garrus Vakarian doesn't.

* Garrus Vakarian is the only being in the galaxy with a double-barreled penis.

* Garrus Vakarian CAN simply walk into Mordor.

* If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, it's because Garrus Vakarian killed them all.

* Jack Bauer saves hundreds of lives on a daily basis. Garrus Vakarian thinks he's an underachiever.

* The reason dinosaurs no longer exist is because Garrus Vakarian had it up to here with their shit.
Reply
:iconillusionsfire76:
illusionsfire76 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This rocks! LOVE IT!
Reply
:iconlilyalisandra:
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh Spirits that was awesome. xD
Reply
:iconcyberii:
CyberII Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
The First Contact War started as a turf war between Chuck Norris and Garrus Vakarian. And you know what? I haven't heard of Chuck in XXII century anymore.

yeah, thanks for reminding, always having a good laughter re-reading that list
Reply
:iconnerdpowers:
Nerdpowers Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
I actually couldn't stop laughing at this. I couldn't get to the end.
Reply
:iconbelanna42:
Belanna42 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
:heart:
Reply
:icontobyk947:
Tobyk947 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
This is awesome. Nuff said.
Reply
:iconbananafishdog:
bananafishdog Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
well, thats enough Internet for one day.
Reply
:iconvoicenovel:
VoiceNovel Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
I love you. That's all.

<3
Reply
:iconlilyalisandra:
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Dawh, thank you. cx
Reply
:iconeliteturian:
EliteTurian Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Student Artist
Best thing I've ever read. Ever.
Reply
:iconlilyalisandra:
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. c:
Reply
:iconthewonderingsword:
TheWonderingSword Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012   Writer
"When Shepard saw the Thorian he said, 'We are going to need a bigger gun.' Garrus Vakarian reply? 'Need me for something?'"

"Eve named her first child Mordin because the universe can't have more than one Garrus Vakarian."

"Saren shot himself when he saw Garrus Vakarian on the Citadel and thought, 'F@#! this!'"

"Nobody believed Shepard when she said the Reapers were coming. Garrus Vakarian went to the Primarch and told him they were and he gave him a task force."

"James Vega was going to tattoo Garrus Vakarian's name on his back. The Batarian tattoo artist told him that it would go against his religion to write the true name of God."

"Garrus Vakarian out calibrates AIs from Monday to Saturday. On Sunday? He rests."

"EDI romanced Joker because her sexy robot body did not have the flexibility to match Garrus Vakarian's reach."

"Garrus Vakarian apologized to Tali. The power of his humility destroyed a Reaper."

"Garrus Vakarian played Galaxy of Fantasy once. He won by entering his name on the sign up screen."

"The First Contact War ended the day Garrus Vakarian was born. Coincidence? No."

"When Archangel: Omega Nights was released, it broke every box officer record across the galaxy. Nobody bothered to charge for admission at movie theaters after that."

"When Garrus Vakarian was born, every Dictionary and Thesaurus, in every language in the galaxy, had to be re-written. All words are defined as and synonyms of his name. Garrus Vakarian does not have antonyms."

"How did Cerberus brought Shepard back to life? Super science? Billions of credits? No. They wrote Garrus Vakarian name on a piece of paper and read it backwards over his body."

"Miranda Lawson thought she was perfect. Then she saw Garrus Vakarian, ran off crying and locked herself in her room for three days straight."

"The Collectors harvested humans because if they harvested Turians they might tick off Garrus Vakarian. Nobody is that stupid."
Reply
:iconillusionsfire76:
illusionsfire76 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:rofl:!!!!!!
Reply
:iconthewonderingsword:
TheWonderingSword Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012   Writer
:D :D :D
Reply
:iconstarwarsjediamy:
StarWarsJediAmy Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Gosh this is AWESOME!!! XD
Reply
:iconlilyalisandra:
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Lol, thank you. c:
Reply
:iconthewonderingsword:
TheWonderingSword Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012   Writer
"Wherever Garrus Vakarian stands on the Citadel, that is everybody best spot on the Citadel."

"The Turian Councilor tried to "dismiss" Garrus Vakarian and had his fingers shot off with a single round."

"Matriarch Benezia didn't fight off indoctrination. Garrus Vakarian presence made her forget all about it."

"The Citadel Gun Store owner wanted to name his first born after Shepard, but his wife already named him Garrus Vakarian."

"The council made Shepard a Spectre so she could deal with Garrus Vakarian. Garrus Vakarian only deals with Spectres."

"The Collectors timed their attack on the SR-1 to make sure that Garrus Vakarian was NOT on board."

"Only Garrus Vakarian can comment on Shepard's driving skill...and live to calibrate the Mako again."

"Dr. Heart committed suicide-by-Shepard because he could not face Garrus Vakarian's pitiless stare."

'Javik could not touch-read Garru Vakarian. Nobody can touch that much awesomeness and live."

"Awesome? See Garrus Vakarian."

"Garrus Vakarian is the first, last and only entry in the Codex. He is all that you need to know."
Reply
:iconlilyalisandra:
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Those are brilliant! If I ever get the time, I'll put them in there.
Reply
:iconthewonderingsword:
TheWonderingSword Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012   Writer
Thanks! Put as many as you like, I think I can come up with more. ;)
Reply
:iconmatt67potter:
matt67potter Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
i know two snipers as good and better than him just two everyone else was shot in the head by all 3 of them
Reply
:iconblightfighter45:
blightfighter45 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
now who would win a fight ? chuck norris or garrus ?

and yes , garrus vakarian does sleep with commander shepard
Reply
:iconsavinnah:
Savinnah Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
He either sleeps with Shepard or calibrates ;-)
Reply
:icondoornik1142:
Doornik1142 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012
"Calibrate"? Is that what you crazy kids are calling it these days? =P
Reply
:iconsavinnah:
Savinnah Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012
not us! it's all in there... all these talks about giant guns... no wonder Garrus is so popular with girls ;-)
Reply
:iconblightfighter45:
blightfighter45 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
who's to say he doesn't do both ?
Reply
:iconsavinnah:
Savinnah Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
I like your thinking ;-)
Reply
:iconblightfighter45:
blightfighter45 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
they need more romance scenes with him...
Reply
:iconsavinnah:
Savinnah Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012
can't agree more
Reply
:iconblightfighter45:
blightfighter45 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
hopefully they will have more dlcs with romance dialouge or something for him
Reply
:iconlilyalisandra:
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Garrus Vakarian! All the way! Chuck Norris would never see him coming. cx
Reply
:iconblightfighter45:
blightfighter45 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I guess garrus does have certain ninja elements... and unlike chuck , Garrus doesn't have a theme song whenever you see him
Reply
:iconknightsapprentice:
KnightsApprentice Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I freaking loved this! I laughed sooooo much!
Reply
:iconlilyalisandra:
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm happy you enjoyed it. c:
Reply
:iconrylinbrook:
rylinbrook Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
That's so amazing! You should have a disclaimer at the bottom that says any of those said about chuck norris are incorrect because garrus killed the rumor about him with a headshot.
Reply
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