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Submitted on
September 23, 2012
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My personal favourites are Penis Related....Just sharing, they're funny to me.
Anyway, please enjoy.

*C-Sec labels anyone attacking Garrus Vakarian as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
*Garrus Vakarian just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Omega's infrastructure.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
*Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1GVHs (Garrus Vakarian Headshot)
*Garrus Vakarian does not sleep. He waits.
*Garrus Vakarian counted to infinity - twice.
*If you can see Garrus Vakarian, he can see you. If you can't see Garrus Vakarian you may be only seconds away from death.
*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Garrus Vakarian.
*In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Garrus Vakarian, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
*Garrus Vakarian is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his sniper and assault rifles.
*If you have five credits and Garrus has five credits, Garrus has more money than you.
*When Garrus had surgery to cure a gunship wound to the face, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
*Once a varren threatened to eat Garrus Vakarain. Garrus showed the varren his fist and the varren proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
*If Garrus is late, time better slow the f--k down.
*The only reason the Reapers are called the Reapers is because "Garrus Vakarian" was already taken.
*Garrus Vakarian frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
*God offered Garrus Vakarian the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined in favor of ridiculous headshot accuracy.
*Garrus Vakarian played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
*Garrus Vakarian sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
*Garrus Vakarian destroyed the periodic table, because Garrus Vakarian only recognizes the element of surprise.
*Garrus Vakarian was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
*There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of species that Garrus Vakarian allows to live.
*Garrus Vakarian once shot down a dreadnought class warship with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
*You can't search for Garrus Vakarian on the extranet because it knows you don't find Garrus Vakarian, he finds you.
*Garrus Vakarian's bullets are so precise, they can fly around the planet and hit Garrus himself in the back of the head.
*On Tuchanka, Garrus got twenty-four mating requests. There were also seven for his sniper rifle.
*Mouse didn't wet his pants at the sight of Thane. He saw Garrus first.
*Garrus Vakarian once kicked a baby krogan into puberty.
*When you open a can of whup-ass, Garrus Vakarian pops out.
*Garrus knows what Tali's face looks like.
*The reapers aren't stuck in dark space. They are waiting for Garrus to die before trying to invade his galaxy.
*Garrus Vakarian can impregnate women through headbumps alone.
*The keepers weren't bred to take care of the Citadel, they were bred to keep an eye on Garrus Vakarian. They failed.
*Garrus once tried to use an L2 implant, but the implant couldn't handle Garrus Vakarian and it had to be taken out.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need biotics; he just has to glance at things and they run away screaming.
*Garrus chose to get hit by that gunship. He was tired of looking so damn good.
*They named the bridge he held on Omega after Garrus once he left. They had to rename it later unfortunately, because no one crosses Garrus Vakarian and lives.
*Before going after humans, the Collectors tried to take Garrus, but he couldn't be bothered. He was in the middle of some calibrations.
*Kinetic barriers aren't for keeping weapons out, they're for keeping Garrus Vakarian in.
*Garrus Vakarian is so tough that when he goes mountain climbing, he isn't pulling himself up, he's pulling the mountains down.
*When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Garrus Vakarian.
*Most people fear the Reapers. Garrus Vakarian considers them "promising rookies".
*Garrus Vakarian headshots don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
*Sovereign's first choice for an organic envoy wasn't Saren, it was Garrus Vakarian; he had to stay away from Garrus Vakarian for fear of being indoctrinated.
*Armistan Banes disappeared from the Mass Effect plotline because when he heard Garrus Vakarian was protecting Dr. Michel, he broke the fourth wall and got the heck out of there.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need a Lazarus Project; death is too afraid of him to try anything.
*There was no Conduit; Garrus Vakarian was just beaming his brilliant deductions straight into Shepard's brain.
*Garrus Vakarian's eyepiece doesn't really do anything; he just covers one of them out of fairness to everyone else.
*Cerberus didn't resurrect Shepard so he could save them from the Reapers. Cerberus resurrected Shepard so he could save them from Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space!
*Garrus Vakarian burns through the shields of Haestrom's sun.
*Some think Palaven is hot. Palaven thinks Garrus Vakarian is hot.
*The krogan genophage doesn't actually do anything, it's just that the krogan have given up surviving knowing that Garrus Vakarian is out there waiting for them.
*The First Contact War started because baby Garrus Vakarian misplaced his rattle, and the entire turian fleet went on a rampage to find it. Facing him without it was the alternative.
*Garrus Vakarian didn't join the Spectres because you can't break all the rules if your job doesn't have any.
*Garrus Vakarian didn't fight the law. He shot it in the back of the head and then went back to business.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't step on toes. Garrus Vakarian steps on necks.
*The last thing you hear before a Garrus Vakarian headshot? No one knows, because dead men tell no tales.
*The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst laid plans of Garrus Vakarian go off without a hitch.
*Garrus Vakarian built a better mousetrap. Most people simply can't calibrate it correctly.
*Garrus Vakarian keeps his friends close and his enemies in scope.
*Once you go Garrus, you are physically unable to go back.
*Garrus Vakarian's tears cure Kepral's Syndrome. It's too bad Garrus Vakarian has never cried.
*Executor Pallin died from Garrus Vakarian giving him the finger.
*Garrus Vakarian always has sex on the first date. Always.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't eat. Rather, he kicks ass until he's full.
*After much debate, the Council decided to unleash the genophage on the Krogan rather than the alternative of sending Garrus Vakarian. It was deemed more "humane."
*Garrus Vakarian once walked down a street shirtless. There were no survivors.
*Prothean experts working outside Council jurisdiction have recently conceded that, were the Reapers to exterminate life in the Galaxy, all that would remain are Vorcha and Garrus Vakarian.
*Saying "Garrus Vakarian" three time makes your head explode from pure awesome.
*When Turians want honor they pray to the spirits. When they want anything else they pray to Garrus.
*Garrus knows he's in a game; he just pretends not to know.
*Garrus is so strong he can bend time and space.
*Garrus once punched a Merc so hard that his great grandkids said ouch.
*If garrus was to sneeze, the planet he is on would explode.
*Garrus Vakarian calibrated the Omega-4 Relay.
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Garrus Vakarian could use to kill you, including the room itself.
*Garrus Vakarian has two speeds: walk and kill.
*Why don't you see any female Turians in Mass Effect? They're all waiting for Garrus Vakarian to call them back.
*Garrus Vakarian can pleasure krogan women simply by showing them his scars.
*Why do krogan have 4 testicles? So they'd feel slightly less inferior to Garrus Vakarian
*Some call the coming of the Reapers an "apocalypse." Garrus Vakarian calls it "practice."
*Garrus Vakarian had all his internal organs removed because they were "just slowing him down."
*Garrus Vakarian once ate five entire pots of Sergeant Gardner's calamari gumbo in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with Crewman Goldstein.
*Garrus Vakarian once sniped a man so hard, his body went back in time and hit the ground five minutes earlier.
*Garrus Vakarian can calibrate a gun so well, it needs a cigarette afterward.
*Saren only killed himself so he'd be spared the wrath of Garrus Vakarian
*Garrus Vakarian was actually on the ground when the Virmire nuke went off. He later complained things felt too drafty.
*Garrus Vakarian's favorite store on the Citadel, is himself. He dishes out pain at unbelievable prices.
*Death came to see Garrus after the rocket incident and said his time had come. Garrus looked at Death and said, "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
*Blind people aren't blind, they just scared of making eye contact with Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian can perform calibrations, while in the middle of some calibrations.
*70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Garrus Vakarian's weight is his malehood.
*Khalisah Al-Jilani was actually thankful it was Shepherd who punched her. If it had been Garrus Vakarian, she'd be dead.
*Harbinger thought about making a turian Reaper instead of a human one, but then remembered there was already Garrus Vakarian.
*When Saren learned Commander Shepherd was after him, he scoffed. When he learned Garrus Vakarian was with him, he sat in the corner of his shower and cried for 3 hours.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn't care. Even if it was a one armed man who killed your wife and not you.
*The Citadel once had six arms instead of five. Then there was a little incident involving Garrus Vakarian...
*They say you can't make something out of nothing. Garrus Vakarian can make EVERYTHING out of nothing.
*Tali later discovered Haestrom's sun was getting so hot because it saw Garrus Vakarian without a shirt on.
*A man once claimed Garrus Vakarian attempted to headshot him, but it was promptly dismissed as false - Garrus Vakarian never misses.
*Garrus Vakarian is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
*Kids piss their name in snow. Garrus Vakarian pisses his name in concrete.
*Garrus Vakarian visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just "the islands"
*Garrus Vakarian's calender goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian once won "Connect 4" in 3 moves.
*Garrus Vakarian can delete the recycling bin.
*Garrus Vakarian can slam revolving doors.
*Garrus Vakarian doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the info he wants.
*Death once had "a near Garrus Vakarian experience"
*Babies cry because they know they just entered a world with Garrus Vakarian.
*Garrus Vakarian can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booyah".
*Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Garrus Vakarian.
*Morinth once had a mind-meld with Garrus Vakarian. She complained he never called her back.
*Garrus Vakarian sleeps with Commander Shepard.
*Garrus Vakarian cannot feel pain. He can only inflict it.
*Garrus Vakarian does not hunt because the word "hunting" implies the probability of failure. Garrus Vakarian goes killing.
*After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Garrus Vakarian that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said, "Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
*There is no 'Ctrl' button on Garrus Vakarian's computer. Garrus Vakarian is always in control.
*Garrus Vakarian actually was a love interest in Mass Effect 1. He just rocked your world so hard, you can't remember.
*Garrus Vakarian can make you orgasm... WITH HIS MIND.
  • Mood: Big Grin
  • Listening to: Break Your Heart by Anders and the Unromancables
  • Reading: The KinkMemes
  • Playing: Skyrim-Hearthfire&Dawnguard
  • Eating: Air
  • Drinking: Spit
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Kuwashiifangirl Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2014  New member Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is from the Garrus Vakarian list on FanFiction. Which, by the way, is hilarious.
millefeu Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I didn't even know I needed this, but dear God, I do.
AzuleneAroma Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Professional General Artist
greenyoda123 Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
Oh my god. I'm in tears. The Periodic Table one... I'm literally in tears I'm laughing so hard! I LOVE this!!!!!
LilyAlisandra Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well I have plenty of Garrus stories on my page if you want to check those out.

Some are comedy, too. cx

I welcome new watchers with open arms. :D
greenyoda123 Featured By Owner May 7, 2013
I will definitely check those out!! I'm always on the look out for Garrus stories!! :)
ClockworkHeart42 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
Forget a fully-loaded gun. Garrus Vakarian played Russian Roulette with a loaded rocket launcher and won!
dblood42 Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
Doornik1142 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012
I thought of some more:

* Garrus Vakarian adds ground glass to his food. For the flavor.

* Garrus Vakarian is forbidden from participating in the annual Citadel fireworks display, after his last contribution destroyed a Turian dreadnought.

* Garrus Vakarian discovered a 100% effective cure for cancer. He just walks into the room and those rogue cells start behaving.

* There are 206 bones in the human body. Garrus Vakarian knows how to break all of them. Even the little bones in the ears. Especially the little bones in the ears.

* Garrus Vakarian likes to knit sweaters in his spare time. And by knit I mean kick. And by sweaters I mean Thresher Maws.

* They say Garrus Vakarian had asthma as a child. Then he kicked asthma's ass, ate its raw flesh, and ran 200 miles off the energy it gave him.
Rufullus Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012  Student General Artist
LOL You must have a very incredible fantasy for writting something like this xD
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